Apples of Gold

I remember the excitement in the room when my family gathered around the television to watch a new season of American Idol or The Voice. They are not my favorite, in fact the only part I usually enjoy is the tryouts. It’s interesting to see the wide range of talent. All these people are hopeful and convinced that they have what it takes. Some of them blow your mind with their abilities. Others might just blow your eardrums. It is fascinating to watch an incredibly tone deaf contestant stand before the judges after being told they might want to try a different career path and proclaim that the judges are all completely wrong. “Let me try a different song”, “I know I have a great voice. All my friends tell me I’m talented!” Some of them even leave in complete denial of the reality that music is not their gift.

How does a tone-deaf singer get all the way to a national audition without anyone taking them aside and speaking the truth to them? It’s probably easier than it seems. Ever frozen when a friend glides into the room and asks; “Does this make me look fat?’ I mean it can even be incredibly uncomfortable to tell someone that they have a little something stuck in their teeth.

Our culture has a warped sense of what kindness is. It is touted that kindness means reaffirming someone’s feelings even if they are totally off base. I mean it has gone so far now that we have litter boxes in schools for children who claim to believe they are cats. Okay, that is a bit of an extreme example but I’m sure you get the point.

In Ephesians Paul gives us these words of wisdom. “Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”

There is a very delicate balance between truth and love. In order to function properly they cannot function separate from each other. When we try to show love without truth we end up misleading each other in order to spare someone’s immediate feelings. I imagine that some pretty difficult conversations occur when the tone deaf American Idol hopeful returns home and asks why nobody every told them the truth. We are supposed to believe that it was kind not to tell them.

We probably all know someone who has no problem speaking the truth, or at least their perceived version of it, but they are cruel and arrogant in their presentation. This can cause unnecessary pain and damage to whoever happens to be on the receiving end. Truth without love is often just plain mean.

This is why we are told to bind these two things together. Some of my strongest relationships are with people who challenge me when I’m out of line. Gently pointing out a better way I could have handled a situation or checking my level of sensitivity. As someone who functions more in the realm of logic than feelings from time to time, I need to be reminded that not everyone is wired like me. These friends tell me the truth not to embarrass me, or make me feel bad, but because they want me to become more like Jesus. Proverbs chapter 17 has some great pointers:

An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. Vs 5,6

As iron sharpens iron so a friend sharpens a friend. Vs 17

We need to look out for each other. Having each others back is more than just defending someone. It might at times involve offending someone with a difficult truth; presented in a covering of love with the desire of helping them grow stronger and healthier. We also need to make sure when we are on the receiving end of uncomfortable input, that we are gracious in our response or quick to apologize when we don’t respond so well.

When I want input on a sermon or something else I’ve written I have learned that if I want to make it better I have my oldest daughter, Chelsea, read it. She corrects my grammar, my autocorrect issues, and offers insight or comments that improve the original content. Her constructive criticism is very beneficial.

It can be tempting to surround ourselves with people who only compliment us and agree with everything we say, no matter how flawed it is. I’ve found that virtually without exception having conflicting viewpoints and honest assessments results in a far superior outcome.

So, I try to be that friend who tells you that you have toilet paper on your shoe before you get up to make a speech, or that your lipstick has migrated to your front tooth. It can be awkward but I find people, though momentarily embarrassed, are very thankful that they didn’t discover it after leaving a crowded room. I also try to be that friend who notices your spiritual growth and cheers you on when you are facing a frightening situation. I trust you would do the same for me.